Lost touch

When I first started this blog I remember being so happy to finally have found a way to get my words out there. I want to say I started writing on here three months ago, it feels like a year, I joke around with people and say I’m aging like a president. The stress off wanting so much out of life sometimes can take life away from you. I still notice the simple things when I force myself to do so, such as a beautiful sunset or a pretty lake or a barn that was made for a calendar in the middle of nowhere. 

Happy thanksgiving to all of my fellow readers and writers, this day is what brings me to some places I seldom wander off to anymore. By that I mean my sense of adventure this week has been higher than usual. I miss a certain person and I still try to make sense of a history left in the dust of years ago, I can’t, drinking myself stupid risking it all, walking through neighborhoods at night hoping someone will try to rob me, driving from dusk till dawn and stopping to talk to people from all over the country. None of it will bring her back, that’s what I finally told myself the other night. I sent her an email asking to see her, it went unanswered. Now I know what you must be thinking, why? What did he do to this girl to make her act as if he never existed? Did he hit her, yell at her? Abuse her in anyway? To answer your questions no I never did, I only loved her. That deep down love that you only get once in life, you pray it will go away or that you’ll meet someone else and feel that way about them. But let me tell you it doesn’t work that way.

I’ve changed so much in the last year I don’t even recognize myself, I am not an alcoholic haha as it may seem it’s actually quite the contrary, on two occasions I’ll go kill a twelve pack of bud light and try to drown out her memories that fill my head, eat my days and consume the best part of me. The good is still there, the innocence… Nope it’s long sailed away, I’m at a new point in my life. A permanent one, one where you set the course for the rest of your life, I’m fixing my credit and looking to buy a house, even if I’m never in it I need to start doing the things that I’ve always wondered how it is people do. I drive a bitchin diesel that sounds like a jet engine and yea I spend a lot of time on it but she won’t ever see it. That’s the kind of stuff I think about, I go off grid with friends and family for months at a time, I’m not a drifter, I’m not a gypsy and I don’t proclaim to by any means have experienced the best of life but having money doesn’t change you, beating most others at life (simplest way to put it) that sometimes makes me smile until I see an ugly ass dude at King Sooners with a bombshell. Yea I said it that is what ruins my day every time. Well maybe it’s my attitude, my lack of caring if I’m alone or feeling like I’m not at a point in my life again to look. And yet it’s not any of that, I’m still just not over her. Pretty soon I plan to start a badass YouTube channel and will definitely update you on that. Just know I’m still working on myself and perfect isn’t an option, I can’t be happy with what I have just yet but it’s coming soon and I think it’s because I can shut off my emotions. I feel like I’m not a nice person anymore, is that bad? I’m not afraid of conflict, I welcome the unexpected and I think almost dying in that car accident just added to my already fragile core and turned it into a rock. I’ll carry on a conversation with someone legitimate but I’ll walk past the homeless, the snobs, and just tell myself I’ve got my own problems. Maybe I’m becoming normal? Haha I suppose i would have never known a heartache so bad if I’d been that way all along. Well enough of my rambling, again YouTube is in the near future but that’s all I’ll say. -R

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