IMG_0664Some days it’s hard to get out of bed, it’s hard to make my lunch and work up the energy to go out and warm up the Diesel engine on my truck before my ten minute drive to the office for our morning meeting. I am getting better at it, I still can’t help but feel like I’m meant for something more. Turns out that’s the most common thought a person can have. Yes I actually heard that today, makes sense though if you think about it. How long until enough is enough and you chase your dreams?

Why do we keep doing stuff that were not happy doing? Ie: work, relationships, meaningless tasks for others… I think it’s comfortability. I have a habit of taking a five hour energy shot in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon as well. Even though I know if I do I will be spent energetically much faster than I would if I just woke myself up by getting up and doing something, or sometimes I’ll hype myself up to do something but I can only do it if I have that energy shot or that cup of coffee. Comfortability, I know it’s effects and I’m to lazy to not use them, the 4.00 a pop doesn’t affect me in the short term so I’m ok with it, yet I know that is very equivalent to a smoking habit or chewing tobacco as I occasionally use it so I’m really just throwing money away. I don’t know why but I don’t care.

Those of you who know me well know I’ve been self employed for a few years and the last year of which I did very well at auctions with buying and flipping rare and expensive items. Now I decided I can’t handle the stress and decided to get a day job- and a physical one at that, I’ve lost twenty pounds in three weeks and can walk carrying over a hundred and fifty pounds, I’m almost in as good of shape as I was at 16 after military school if not better. I like the pain, I like the heat and the way my skin has turned brown, I like the feeling of looking over the edge of a 30 foot roof- no it’s not a roofing job- and getting that adrenaline rush as you wonder if you’ll slip. Yes I have a hell of a roller coaster going on inside of me. I’m not happy, I mean yes I live well but I remember what happiness is and I don’t feel it. I’m just going through the motions. Is it a post partem from working again? Is their such a thing? I don’t know. I do know by the end of the year I am going to affect change in my life, in a big way. I don’t like the fact I’m 3 years from thirty with nothing to my name except a paid off twenty thousand dollar truck, I don’t like the fact all of my friends are married and having kids, and I well I don’t know what Im doing. IMG_0145

I guess I’m lacking motivation, I don’t have a girl to rush home to or to look forward to seeing after work. No. kids to make me laugh. I have my family and yes I’m thankful for that but they know I’m going to be leaving soon, where I don’t know yet but I’ve already made certain provisions in my lifestyle to allow for my departure. I may move to denver, or hit the road to Texas again and go work in the oil fields. Hell I really don’t know. Do I sound crazy? Please someone just answer me that. Why do the things that used to matter not matter anymore? I’m not expecting a real answer and yes I’m ok lol I’m just letting it all out. Thanks for reading